Walking a Tough Road

Well, if you caught the last blog post, then you will know that we have enrolled our three oldest in the Public Montessori School. I was greatly encouraged, and even humbled to hear from you. Thank you!

A couple of the private messages I received had some wonderful thoughts written, along with notes hoping our children "would handle the transition well." I sincerely appreciate the sentiments.

However, the transition has not gone smoothly, it has been excruciating.

Our first born is well, a first born. He is compliant and aims to please. He has burst through the gates running and has not looked back! He is making new friends, learning new concepts, and is absolutely thriving! Not an assignment is missed. He is loving the change, and we couldn't be happier.

Our Kindergartener took a few days, possibly even a week or so to adjust to not having Mommy around. But now he is a hoot! He is singing new songs, buttoning his own shirts, doing little finger rhymes, and is certainly flourishing. He is filled with a new life we have not seen for some time.

And then there is our darling 2nd grader. Unfortunately he has not taken to the idea of "school without Mommy" quite so well. Phone calls from the school requesting me to come in were a daily thing for a while. He was, and actually at times still is, struggling to adjust. He has given way to violent outbursts, has threatened to punch a teacher and has even attempted to flee the building... numerous times.

There are days when he will start well, eager and excited to learn. He skips off to his classroom humming a tune, and high fiving those he passes along the way. Yet within minutes, the tiniest thing can set him off. It could be a teacher requesting that he put away his drawing so that he might join his class for a math lesson. Or maybe it is having to play inside for recess due to the weather. Whatever the reason, it doesn't seem to matter. From there it is often a chaotic tail spin into unacceptable behavior.

And then there are other days where it is a battle from the get-go...

Don't get me wrong, he is an amazingly smart kid. (Probably to smart for his own good!) Academics come easily for him. He can hear something once and grasp the concept. His ability to find creative solutions to problems that lay before us is actually remarkable. He has the greatest giggle and a heart that is often purer and kinder then I give him credit for.

Yet, it has been agonizing to walk with him through this. To see him make poor choice after poor choice out of fear. To watch helplessly as he struggles to understand why we won't just bring him home again. There have been many a tear shed, and most of them by Mom. I have been battling these thoughts back and forth. I know that if I just pulled him out and brought him back home we could just make this all go away. There would be no more fits, no more rage, no more sadness. The teachers wouldn't have to struggle, he wouldn't have to struggle, and we wouldn't have to struggle.

Yet we don't.

Does that make us bad parents?

I used to lose sleep over this.

Until one night while I lay awake crying and begging for all of this to stop; Christ whispered to my heart the most tender words...

"You, Heather, are choosing not to remove him from school because you know that if you did you would hinder him. Instead, you are choosing to walk through this with him because of the lessons he is about to learn, the friendships he is about to make and the experiences he is about to embrace. Staying put may be easier and more comfortable, however in order for him to grow in knowledge and depth of understanding this road must be walked... Now can you see my heart for you as you walk tough roads?"

I was silenced.

All of the sudden this trial, this "burden" was nothing more than a stepping stone. It was His grace towards me to see Him and His heart for who He truly is. He is far kinder and more gentle then I had ever known, especially as I stumble along this rocky path.

As I have taken some time to really soak in this new understanding, I have begun to see that for me, enrolling our boys in school has been far more difficult then homeschooling likely ever was.

When homeschooling, I was able to see and hear nearly every moment. I could prevent and deter so much of life that was happening around us. My children's lives were under my control... or so I thought...

However, now I am having to trust Christ in ways I had not been previously made to. Gently, Christ is using this experience to nudge me into a greater understanding of who He is. He is leading me through this time because of the lessons I am learning, the friendships I am making and the experiences I am embracing.

Yes, staying put would have likely been easier, but it would have indeed hindered me from seeing this glimpse of Him for who He truly is... and I wouldn't trade that for daisy's and roses any day!

How is Christ showing himself to you?