To my Son... Thank you, and I am Sorry

To my Son,

Thank you for taking this change in such stride. It has not been easy to go from having Mommy at your side, to having a building full of strangers try and tend to your needs. But thank you for being patient and working with them.

I am sorry it has been so hard. I am sorry that we have been asked to walk this tough road. I am sorry that so much does not make sense right now.



Thank you for not backing down when things don't make sense. Thank you for not giving up, for pressing on. Thank you for your persistence in trying to understand the world around you.

I am sorry I don't always let you ask your questions so that you might understand this world a bit better. I am sorry that I am often distracted when you seem to bound with endless inquiries. I am sorry that I can be short with you.



Thank you for having such a kind heart. Thank you for being exactly who you are. Thank you for not fitting into any man-made mold that was ever contrived for you.

I am sorry that I have misjudged you. I am sorry that I jump to quick conclusions when I should really slow down and see the bigger picture. I am sorry that I don't always see how spot on your motives truly are.



Thank you for teaching me to look at the heart of a person regardless of their externals. Thank you for pushing me out of my parenting comfort zone. Thank you for building into me a greater sense of love and compassion for those who hurt and struggle around us.

I am sorry you are not always going to be given the benefit of the doubt. I am sorry that often times people are going to see your external behavior and stop right there. I am even more sorry that it may just happen that those around you excuse their own behavior based on yours.



Thank you for getting us "kicked out" of that religious building and causing us to seek Christ. Thank you for making us question everything we have ever known. Thank you for causing us to press into Christ in ways we never would have previously.

I am sorry that they saw your behavior as a sin issue. I am sorry that they thought fitting you into a behavioral mold would show that we were parenting well. I am sorry that they couldn't see your heart.



Thank you for showing me this has nothing to do with sin. Thank you for showing me that this has everything to do with Christ and His plans for us. Thank you for blazing a trail we may have never been brave enough to trod without you leading the way.

I am sorry that I ever thought that this had something to do with sin. I am sorry that we were not always your biggest advocates. I am sorry that we parented according to the law and not according to grace.



Thank you for loving me well. Thank you for your hugs, your smile and your infectious giggle. Thank you for letting me learn as we go.

I am sorry that I am still learning to love well in return. I am sorry I don't hug you more and smile all day. I am sorry that I love to tickle you just so I can hear that giggle.



Thank you for being exactly who Christ created you to be.

I am sorry that it has taken your Momma this long to see the beauty in it.



I love you to the moon and back a million trillion times,
Mom

When You Have "That Kid"...

Well, it was another day filled with phone calls, emails and incident reports... Yep, that good.

I will spare you the details, but they weren't great.

As we lay in our bed that evening talking I finally said it. I have been thinking it for some time but have never voiced it. I had considered it many a time but was afraid of what my husband might think. But on that night, the gloves came off and the words came flying out of my mouth...

"Why do we have "that kid"?"

You see, this has been a long time coming. Being the parents to "that kid" is not a new thing. We have been feeling this for years. In fact it is something that we have to battle against daily. We have received stares and judgmental glances, had parenting books dropped at our doorstep, been the recipients of much unwanted parenting advice from well-meaning individuals, felt uncomfortable at many a happy gathering, and have even been asked to leave a church because of "that kid".

Yet if you could see his heart, you may just melt.

Like the time when he was four. I was standing in the kitchen window just to glance up and see him running across the driveway to tackle his younger sister. I was instantly infuriated and flew out the door. Somehow Christ slowed me down and I was able to look at him and say, "Buddy, why did you just tackle your sister?"

I will never forget his response...

He looked at me and said, "Momma, sister was heading towards the road and I stopped her. I didn't want her to die today."

I was so quick to judge his external actions as mean and malicious. Yet his heart was spot on.

Or maybe the time when he spent a week making this stellar gift for someone he thought was the cream of the crop. He tried idea after idea just to settle on "the perfect" one. He worked meticulously on it. Then with the greatest care, he wrapped it and cared for it until it was time to deliver it. You could see his heart swelling and his chest puffing as he handed over his finely crafted creation. Within seconds the gift had been discarded. And within minutes he was into a full blown tizzy.

I knew why. His heart had just been broken.

From the outside it looked like a spoiled brat just wanting attention. But from my vantage point, my heart was breaking too. As I choked back tears, we quickly collected our children and made our exit just to hang our heads again as the parents of "that kid".

I have been wrestling with this question for some time, but have never had the courage to speak it. It has rolled around in my head time and time again, but fear has kept it there. Until now. Until misunderstanding after misunderstanding and incident report after incident report pushed me over the edge, and I said it.

"Why do we have "that kid"?"

And just as quickly as the words escaped my mouth my Father God whispered straight into my being:

"I get it. I get what it is to have a Son that is so misunderstood. Whose heart is often kinder and purer than what people give Him credit for. I even get what it is to have those you thought would be the most loving and accepting of Him reject Him. I get it. And it hurts. But that doesn't make Him what they say He is. He is still who I created Him to be."

Peace and humility swept over me and a new sadness filled me.

Okay, I can do this.

I can be the Mom of "that kid". I can live with that.

But what about him. How does one walk through life being so misunderstood? How will he survive having such a kind and tender heart in a world that thinks the worst of others? How long will it be before he grasps that not everyone loves as big as he does?

And then it was as if the conversation shifted and it was Christ whispering straight to my heart:

"I get it. I get what it is to be rejected. I get what it is to be misunderstood. I get what it is to have my motives and my actions questioned. I get what it is like to have even my closest family misunderstand. I am not who they say I am. I am who my Father says I am, and I will still love big, even when it kills me."

Tears still flow as I type these words.

Isn't He the most tender thing you have ever encountered?

Walking a Tough Road

Well, if you caught the last blog post, then you will know that we have enrolled our three oldest in the Public Montessori School. I was greatly encouraged, and even humbled to hear from you. Thank you!

A couple of the private messages I received had some wonderful thoughts written, along with notes hoping our children "would handle the transition well." I sincerely appreciate the sentiments.

However, the transition has not gone smoothly, it has been excruciating.

Our first born is well, a first born. He is compliant and aims to please. He has burst through the gates running and has not looked back! He is making new friends, learning new concepts, and is absolutely thriving! Not an assignment is missed. He is loving the change, and we couldn't be happier.

Our Kindergartener took a few days, possibly even a week or so to adjust to not having Mommy around. But now he is a hoot! He is singing new songs, buttoning his own shirts, doing little finger rhymes, and is certainly flourishing. He is filled with a new life we have not seen for some time.

And then there is our darling 2nd grader. Unfortunately he has not taken to the idea of "school without Mommy" quite so well. Phone calls from the school requesting me to come in were a daily thing for a while. He was, and actually at times still is, struggling to adjust. He has given way to violent outbursts, has threatened to punch a teacher and has even attempted to flee the building... numerous times.

There are days when he will start well, eager and excited to learn. He skips off to his classroom humming a tune, and high fiving those he passes along the way. Yet within minutes, the tiniest thing can set him off. It could be a teacher requesting that he put away his drawing so that he might join his class for a math lesson. Or maybe it is having to play inside for recess due to the weather. Whatever the reason, it doesn't seem to matter. From there it is often a chaotic tail spin into unacceptable behavior.

And then there are other days where it is a battle from the get-go...

Don't get me wrong, he is an amazingly smart kid. (Probably to smart for his own good!) Academics come easily for him. He can hear something once and grasp the concept. His ability to find creative solutions to problems that lay before us is actually remarkable. He has the greatest giggle and a heart that is often purer and kinder then I give him credit for.

Yet, it has been agonizing to walk with him through this. To see him make poor choice after poor choice out of fear. To watch helplessly as he struggles to understand why we won't just bring him home again. There have been many a tear shed, and most of them by Mom. I have been battling these thoughts back and forth. I know that if I just pulled him out and brought him back home we could just make this all go away. There would be no more fits, no more rage, no more sadness. The teachers wouldn't have to struggle, he wouldn't have to struggle, and we wouldn't have to struggle.

Yet we don't.

Does that make us bad parents?

I used to lose sleep over this.

Until one night while I lay awake crying and begging for all of this to stop; Christ whispered to my heart the most tender words...

"You, Heather, are choosing not to remove him from school because you know that if you did you would hinder him. Instead, you are choosing to walk through this with him because of the lessons he is about to learn, the friendships he is about to make and the experiences he is about to embrace. Staying put may be easier and more comfortable, however in order for him to grow in knowledge and depth of understanding this road must be walked... Now can you see my heart for you as you walk tough roads?"

I was silenced.

All of the sudden this trial, this "burden" was nothing more than a stepping stone. It was His grace towards me to see Him and His heart for who He truly is. He is far kinder and more gentle then I had ever known, especially as I stumble along this rocky path.

As I have taken some time to really soak in this new understanding, I have begun to see that for me, enrolling our boys in school has been far more difficult then homeschooling likely ever was.

When homeschooling, I was able to see and hear nearly every moment. I could prevent and deter so much of life that was happening around us. My children's lives were under my control... or so I thought...

However, now I am having to trust Christ in ways I had not been previously made to. Gently, Christ is using this experience to nudge me into a greater understanding of who He is. He is leading me through this time because of the lessons I am learning, the friendships I am making and the experiences I am embracing.

Yes, staying put would have likely been easier, but it would have indeed hindered me from seeing this glimpse of Him for who He truly is... and I wouldn't trade that for daisy's and roses any day!

How is Christ showing himself to you?

Homeschooling & Hearing Christ

So why did we stop homeschooling? It's a long story, but if you are willing to listen, I am willing to share...

So about a year ago, I began to feel that Homeschool Mom angst. You know the one where you are sure your kids are horribly behind and may never catch up. Where you wonder if you are doing them a disservice by keeping them home. Where you struggle knowing that you just can't give them what you would like too trying to juggle five kiddos, a home and a hubby... yes, that one.

So, we decided to hire help.

We found a fantastic gal to come three days a week to sit with our littlest ones so that I might be freed up to work more intently with our oldest two. It looked good on paper. But when the rubber met the road we found that, more and more, the boys were resisting this "focused school time". And I don't blame them, it was a bit unnatural. All playing and fun had to cease in order for 'learning' to take place.

Well we made it through the school year... barely, and I began to look into other methods of homeschooling. I was searching for something that would be child friendly, would encourage their interests and really spark that love of learning. After reading many books I came upon something called Unschooling, and again, it looked good on paper.

A very general idea of Unschooling is for the learning to be child led. (Trust me when I say that I am no expert whatsoever on the matter, so please take my understanding of it with a grain of salt... a rather large grain.) Whatever the child may take interest in you pursue. An example might be, when they discover a beautiful Agate while out exploring nature that catches their fancy, you dive into a time of rock exploration and geology until their interest feigns. Then you simply move on to what catches their eye next. Perhaps it's dinosaurs or painting or maybe even stop motion animation. The possibilities are endless!

And so, for the summer we chose to throw all expectations out the window and to let the kiddos run with their interests. Caleb took a liking to gold mining. He built his own wash plant and dug with fervor in the front yard sure he would strike it rich sooner or later. We ordered a sifting pan and even caught a few episodes of "Gold Rush" together on Amazon Prime. He was sure he would be the next Parker Schnabel.

Levi quickly took a liking to time on the Wii. He could focus for hours conquering level after level of whichever game he chose. We purchased the gaming guide for Super Mario Brothers and he would pour over it, studying each page to see how the next level might be passed. He began to strategize and plot. It was exciting to see his mind come alive!

However, in encouraging each child to pursue their own interests, we also began to see more self-centered living, more entitlement and a general disregard for each other. It was disheartening. We were uncertain of how to embrace this new found joy for learning yet still foster kindness and consideration for others.

It was at this time that we came across a video about Montessori education. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcgN0lEh5IA&feature=share) Micah and I watched it separately and didn't say much. I phoned a Montessori school within our area and asked about the enrollment policy and was informed that nearly every grade had a waiting list and they would begin taking applications in February for next Fall. Ok, no big deal.

A few days later I asked Micah what he thought about the Montessori Education video and if it was something he would be interested in pursuing for the kids at some point. He replied with an enthusiastic 'yes'! As we began to talk about it, we agreed that the hands on education is what we had hoped to give our children, but the reality of life had gotten the best of us.

We were struggling with energy and enthusiasm.

Getting a break from the daily grind was a rarity.

Life with five kids had taken a toll on us and we had slipped into survival mode.

We felt alone and defeated.

In desperation I phoned the school again, on a Thursday morning, hoping maybe they could sneak our third grader in. (Caleb was hungry for more social interaction, and four siblings just wasn't cutting it!) The sweet secretary took the names and ages of our children and said she would talk with the administration and get back to us. We waited and waited and eventually the phone rang. I was informed that they were able place Caleb in a class!! As well, they were willing to bypass the waiting lists for the other two and place Levi and Elijah as well. I was speechless.

We attended a tour the next day and on a Monday morning they started their first day.

That afternoon as I sat filling out their paperwork, I began to think:

"What has happened to me?!"

"I am enrolling my children in a public school!"

"I never thought I would be doing this!"

And then it hit me... as I continue to seek the face of Christ, I am reminded that the stereotypes and judgments that I had once held concerning what is and is not "godly" continue to fall away. And again I am humbled. I had such peace. I truly felt as though Christ had opened this door for us and we were running straight through it.

In one of the Unschooling books I had read, the author was insistent in saying,

"Stop listening to the parenting advice of other well meaning authors and bloggers and look at the children you have right in front of you. What do they want? What are they asking you for?"

It was the first time in my eight years as a mom that I had stopped to look my kids square in the eyes and consider their desires.

It's sad I know.

Up until this point I had read dozens of well written Parenting and Homeschooling books. I had made my plan and was forcing my kids into this finely crafted cookie cutter that I had picked up at the latest Homeschooling Conference...

But why? How could I be so blind?

Well, because I thought it would guarantee me a certain outcome. I thought that one path was more holy, more noble, and worthy of more praise than another. I was convinced that other avenues were sure to bring about doom and destruction. I couldn't see past myself to see how big Christ truly is. How He is in all, by all, through all and uses ALL for His glory... even a public school education.

And so, we have taken a step back.

We are choosing to lay aside the well meaning advice of the scores of others around us to look square in the face of Christ and ask, "What is it that you want from us?"

As simple as that sounds, we often find that His ways are not our ways. In fact Scripture actually says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD." (Isaiah 55:8)

Being willing to seek His ways has meant that we must die to ourselves. We have had to admit our prior judgments and stereotypes and eat a serious slice of humble pie. We also find that at times we are asked to walk paths that are often counter "christian cultural", and that is not always easy. It is often lonely and misunderstood.

Yet the freedom we have experienced is beyond words. And so we put one foot in front of the other.

Today that means not homeschooling. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

When you look Christ square in the eyes, what is He speaking to you?